Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My Funeral, and Other F-Words

Between this morbid song playing every single morning on the radio and then running through my head all day long, and my recent birthday (which was AWESOME!), I'm forced to face my own mortality.

I've told the Captain many times that when I pop my cogs, there is to be no funeral, and that I'm to be disposed of in the cheapest way possible. But since stuffing me in a garbage bag and tossing me in the river (to loosely paraphrase the above mentioned song) could potentially get my family a hefty fine, and funerals are not so much for the dead as for the left-behind, I've decided I'm going to give them all an alternative option. I'm nothing if not flexible.

As I will likely have spent all my money at Old Navy, leaving nothing in the way of a will, the least I can do is insist that my kids have a bang-up send-off party for me. And the way we party in our family revolves entirely around the food. My favourite food (indeed, my favourite smell) is barbecue. I can think of no better way to leave this earthly existence than in a cloud of barbecue smoke. Steaks, pork chops, chicken, burgers. I truly don't care. Just slather it with sauce, make an otherwordly mess, and pray for my sake that the afterlife has a Bradley Smoker.

Classical music? Hymns? That morbid song I keep hearing on the radio? Absolutely not! At my funeral, I want a karaoke machine. And if no one performs Devo's "Whip It" as the guests file out, expect the walls to be bleeding when you get home.

Solemn black has its place, but not when I go to meet my maker. I feel strongly that here in North America, we simply do not get enough use out of our Halloween costumes. And for me, it just wouldn't be a funeral without Harry Potter, the pink Power Ranger, Batman and a life-sized M&M as pallbearers. Besides, nothing screams respect like a eulogy delivered by Big Bird.

If this seems like a lot to organize, I will completely understand if my family opts for Plan A. As the morbid song goes, toss me in the river and send me away with the words of a love song.

Just make sure it's this one:


LaelShine said...

LMAO! Well, I wish you'd live forever but if you don't ;) I wanna come to your party!
It sounds like a hoot!
Can we wear Devo hats?
I just found a pattern to knit elf hats and they look similar.

My wish is to be dragged out naked and set sitting up, under a cedar tree:)

Dimple said...

Don't know what to say to this! :-)
I'm glad you had a good birthday!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Without trying to hasten the day in any way, I want to come to your funeral. My Rare One and I can recycle the Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson costumes we wore to a party not long ago. It will add an element of mystery to the proceedings. We can pretend to look for clues and such, whilst blaming the Hound of the Baskervilles for carrying you off. said...

I love it. I'm with you all the way. I do like option 1!

I'm going to scattered off the coast of Sanibel Island in Florida. Ahhhh what a way to go!

Have a great day....

P.S. Come on down to Florida....the invite is open! Judy

In Real Life said...

Oh my gosh, I HATE that song! I love your idea of halloween costumes as funeral attire! :) Jack Layton's Letter to Canadians has had me thinking about my own mortality all week too. I think leaving behind words of wisdom for is a beautiful idea.

Suburban Princess said...

Jeez and I thought I was edgy by always wearing the deceased's favourite colour to their funeral!

Granny Bob said...

You are truely amazing,I do not want see you go hope you live a very long life.But to quote another song wouldn't that be a party.I have always thought cremation and tie my remains to fireworks playing the song wasn't that a party would be a great send off,but then again I also have my traditional believes and think a nice little service at the church would be nice,but in the end I won't have much say. So very glad you had a nice birthday,and please stick around,I'm not sure I would suit a Devo hat!


Well girlfriend, where in the world did all this come from...I miss a day visiting and you are gone way out in left field when I get back. Although.....your send off party does sound like my kinda party! Hugs to you and I wish you a long, long, loooooooong life!

Anonymous said...

I want to be creamated...this probably won't happen but it's what I want!

Bloomingdale's is my Old Navy. I fear there will be no money left for my funeral either.

Savvy Gal said...

I love the smoky flavor of BBQ chicken wings.... : )

Janine said...

WOOHOO!!! Sounds like a party to me!! That's what I want!! A party with lots of food and wine!!

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