Between this morbid song playing every single morning on the radio and then running through my head all day long, and my recent birthday (which was AWESOME!), I'm forced to face my own mortality.
I've told the Captain many times that when I pop my cogs, there is to be no funeral, and that I'm to be disposed of in the cheapest way possible. But since stuffing me in a garbage bag and tossing me in the river (to loosely paraphrase the above mentioned song) could potentially get my family a hefty fine, and funerals are not so much for the dead as for the left-behind, I've decided I'm going to give them all an alternative option. I'm nothing if not flexible.
As I will likely have spent all my money at Old Navy, leaving nothing in the way of a will, the least I can do is insist that my kids have a bang-up send-off party for me. And the way we party in our family revolves entirely around the food. My favourite food (indeed, my favourite smell) is barbecue. I can think of no better way to leave this earthly existence than in a cloud of barbecue smoke. Steaks, pork chops, chicken, burgers. I truly don't care. Just slather it with sauce, make an otherwordly mess, and pray for my sake that the afterlife has a Bradley Smoker.
Classical music? Hymns? That morbid song I keep hearing on the radio? Absolutely not! At my funeral, I want a karaoke machine. And if no one performs Devo's "Whip It" as the guests file out, expect the walls to be bleeding when you get home.
Solemn black has its place, but not when I go to meet my maker. I feel strongly that here in North America, we simply do not get enough use out of our Halloween costumes. And for me, it just wouldn't be a funeral without Harry Potter, the pink Power Ranger, Batman and a life-sized M&M as pallbearers. Besides, nothing screams respect like a eulogy delivered by Big Bird.
If this seems like a lot to organize, I will completely understand if my family opts for Plan A. As the morbid song goes, toss me in the river and send me away with the words of a love song.
Just make sure it's this one: